These days, it's a daily struggle for me to find my peace. I have moments where I can tell that my focus is on Him because I feel this genuine sense of peace that I truly cannot explain because I don't quite understand it myself. But throughout the course of most days, I find that I spend most of my time in a bit of a tizzy.
"Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
When I look back at the past season of my life, I now see that it represents a tug-of-war with God. Not out of rebellion or disbelief, but more Him asking me to step out in faith, to be obedient when it doesn't make sense, or to trust Him when things seem impossible or are not going the way I had hoped and me on the other side of the rope, pulling and yanking, trying to keep control.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have no idea why it scares me more to give complete control over my life to God than it does for me to try and control things that I truly can't. Writing it down and reading it, I am asking myself the same questions, "Why can't I let go? What am I afraid of?"
"Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him" Psalm 37:7
The truth is I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted. I'm tired of fighting the wrong battles. Battles that God never intended for me to fight. Battles I should have surrendered to Him months ago.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
The only battle He wants me to fight is the spiritual battle for my peace. I know He wants me to wake up every morning, put the armor of God on, and fight for that peace that comes with true surrender to Him and His will. I believe eventually I won't need to fight for that peace. It will be commonplace if I just learn to completely surrender.
"I will feed My flock and I will lead them to rest," declares the Lord GOD." Ezekiel 34:15
What He does want from me is to talk to Him throughout the day, read the word and be prepared to combat anxious thoughts with truth and worldly ways with righteousness, to be a light in the darkness and to spread His love and message to my sisters and brothers in Christ and to those who may not know Him.
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
If I do that and surrender the rest to Him, I can rest in His faithfulness and find that peace that I crave so much. If I let go and be still, He will fight for me. This is a promise He has made to me but He cannot take control if I refuse to let go.
"And He said, 'My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.'" Exodus 33:14
Father, I'm tired. I surrender, Lord. Fight for me.