Yesterday I realized just how often I find myself apologizing in this season. I apologize to my children, my children's teachers, my husband, my clients, my friends, brands, followers...
If I can be totally honest, I look around a lot. I see what everyone is accomplishing every day, how organized and put together they seem, how they appear to be thriving while I feel like I'm barely surviving. I am apologizing because I feel guilty for not being able to do all the things, for all the people, all of the time.
At one point in the day yesterday, I was making lunch for my 2nd grader, while assisting my kindergartener with his reading assessment, while trying to quiet my three-year-olds tantrum and change my 1-year-olds diaper. It was shortly after that that I went into the bathroom, closed the door, and quietly cried for a few minutes. I then gathered myself because the day was not yet done.
What immediately followed was me sitting down to message my clients to apologize that I couldn't get as much done in their Etsy shops as I had planned.
But what was I apologizing for?
Maybe I don't need to be apologizing for being a mom of four young boys, during a pandemic, while trying to juggle virtual home school, grow my business to help provide for my family, and all the other things that moms, wives, sisters, daughters, friends, business owners, artists are expected to do.
I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of feeling afraid. I'm tired.
God is opening doors and crossing my path with people and opportunities that I have been praying and asking for for years. Rather than feel excited about these fantastic opportunities, I found myself a little panicked and confused by God's timing. Now God? Are you sure?
I thought for sure God's timing must be off but I was reminded by a friend that His timing is perfect. I was reminded that our vision is so narrow. We can't see past our small scope, our circumstances, our daily grind but He can. He can see the bigger picture, the long term, the tomorrows...
Today I woke up thinking rather than apologizing maybe I need to own it. What I do daily is not for the faint of heart. Calling it a challenging season would be an understatement but you know what? I'm doing it! I'm doing it every single day. If God believes it is time to open new doors and opportunities, He must believe I can handle it even if on some days, I don't believe that myself.
My goal for 2021 is simple. I'm going to stop apologizing and own my everyday. More importantly and specifically I'm going to own that my every day may not look like your every. Rather than believe the lie that says I need to apologize for that, I choose to be excited about that. God has stepping stones He has set out for me. A path designed specifically and uniquely for me, The Darling family, and Renewed Spirit Home.
Heck, I'm excited! How about you?
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29:11-13