This is Anxiety.
Anxiety for me is a daily battle. It attacks my mind, my body, my spirit. It steals my time, my peace, my joy, my confidence, my faith and so much more. It blurs my perspective. It keeps me in bondage. It makes me feel weak, hopeless, helpless, full of shame and guilt and completely alone.
Anxiety keeps me from falling asleep. It wakes me from a dead sleep and stirs up nightmares when I try to rest. It keeps me from wanting to face the day ahead or leave the confines of my house.
Ever since I can remember, my brain has always been wired to default to the what ifs, the worse case scenarios, to the fear of what is ahead and the shame of what has already transpired.
I have always felt out of place socially. I constantly battle insecurity and doubt. I often feel like I've disappointed people and don't live up to their expectations.
My brain is never at rest. It never slows but continuously processes and over processes each and every thought, every action, reaction, and interaction. I live in a constant state of distrust and emotional isolation out of fear, internalizing critique and criticism and reluctantly accept compliments and encouragement from others.
I walk around with butterflies in the pit of my stomach but not the welcomed kind that signifies being deeply in love rather the feeling of impending doom that often sits deep in your gut, making you feel uneasy and unsafe.
Because I love the Lord and crave His approval and love, my spirit is in a constant state of conviction and warfare, wanting to please Him, trust Him and be obedient. The feeling that I have disappointed my Heavenly Father by not putting my faith in Him is unceasing.
This is anxiety.
Today I pray for forgiveness and for courage as I face another day and the battles that lie ahead. I pray the Lord sees my heart, my desire to please Him and to be a light amidst the darkness. I ask for grace and mercy as I navigate and fight on, determined to find relief and be anchored in faith and the love of my Heavenly Father.
If you are experiencing anxiety, whether chronic or for the first time, you are not alone. I am here for you in fellowship and will lift you up in prayer.
How can I pray for you, friends?
With love and gratitude,