It's been quite a while since I last sat down to write. The truth is, I've had time where I could have sat and shared with all of you, but I've been feeling distant from God. This season has shaken my faith and rather than draw nearer to Him, I've withdrawn. I felt like He abandoned me and my family and I was hurt and angry. I've been confused, frustrated, depressed and anxious these past weeks. I've felt both helpless and hopeless.
But then the Lord, He spoke to me. He sent me a message yesterday through a friend that doesn't know my personal struggles or the season that we are in. He put it on her heart to send me a song. She didn't know why, but she did it anyway. The song is called "Even If" by MercyMe:
They say sometimes you win some Sometimes you lose some And right now, right now I'm losing bad I've stood on this stage night after night Reminding the broken it'll be alright But right now, oh right now I just can't It's easy to sing When there's nothing to bring me down But what will I say When I'm held to the flame Like I am right now I know You're able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand But even if You don't My hope is You alone They say it only takes a little faith To move a mountain Well good thing A little faith is all I have, right now But God, when You choose To leave mountains unmovable Oh give me the strength to be able to sing It is well with my soul I know You're able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand But even if You don't My hope is You alone I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt Would all go away if You'd just say the word But even if You don't My hope is You alone You've been faithful, You've been good All of my days Jesus, I will cling to You Come what may ‘Cause I know You're able I know You can I know You're able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand But even if You don't My hope is You alone I know the sorrow, I know the hurt Would all go away if You'd just say the word But even if You don't My hope is You alone It is well with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul
I didn't have to say anything to God. He already knew how I was feeling and He doesn't want to me to lose hope. He loves me and He pulled me back into His loving arms where I belong, where I am safe.
For those of you that have followed our journey through this blog, you know that we do our best to be obedient, even when what He is asking us to do doesn't make sense to us. That doesn't mean we are perfect or without fault. I am a flawed woman of God. I need refining and I always will.
This journey I'm on, this journey of faith, it's not an easy path to walk. I don't always understand God's ways. It can be especially confusing when we feel that we have obeyed Him and are in His will, but still find ourselves struggling. For me personally, it creates doubt and confusion.
Yesterday though, my confusion turned to hope. My Heavenly Father reached out to me. He wanted me to know that He is still there, in complete control of my life and my circumstances. He is a loving Father, who recognizes that I need more work so He is challenging me to believe and trust Him, despite my circumstances.
He has been giving me the same verse over and over these past few weeks, at different times in different ways. I often hear it whispered to me when I feel like I can't hold on anymore. I've been privately clinging to it - even when I couldn't pray or felt like He wasn't there, I could hear the Holy Spirit whispering this one verse:
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
The truth is, I do believe we are in His will. I believe that we have been obedient, taking the steps of faith that He asked us to take. This season is not a punishment, it's preparation. In reading through the Bible, some of the greatest men and women of God suffered greatly, endured tragedy, trials, and trauma, not as a punishment but for a purpose. For His children, there is always a purpose in our pain. It may not make sense. We may never understand it, but we can be sure that it is necessary.
My circumstances today are the same as they were yesterday, at least that is how things appear. Today, however, I see things through a different set of eyes, maybe God's eyes. He's not done with me yet. There's more work to be done. There is a purpose in my pain. He is preparing me for what is to come.
My hope is in Him and in Him alone.