It's been a few weeks now since I've written an entry. At first, I attributed it to the whirlwind of things that have been going on in my life, in truth, however, it has been something much deeper, much more personal that has kept me from sharing.
The truth is, I've felt distant from the Lord in the past few weeks. Even though I can actually see and feel the Lord working in certain areas of my life, I've let the spirit of disappointment fester in my spirit and it started to suffocate my joy and my hope. This spirit of disappointment has also been attempting to deceive me by lying to me about what I know to be true.
"But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." 2 Corinthians 11:3
I have shared with all of you that this season has been a difficult one for my family to endure. It has been full of disappointments, dead ends, loss, frustration, confusion, loneliness, helplessness, and at times, hopelessness. My husband and I have been praying for specific doors and opportunities, and in just these past couple of months, I see the Lord answering our prayers, opening doors and providing opportunities.
Why then am I struggling so much with disappointment?
It is because I had my heart set on certain things, on how it would play out or the ways He would bless us. I have struggled with trying to understand why the Lord wouldn't want us to have certain things, live in a certain place or wouldn't want us to have the desires of our hearts.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11
This has been an arduous test in my faith and my trust in His plan for my life. I actually allowed those feelings of disappointment to become so great, that they distanced me from the Lord. That distance from the Lord made me vulnerable to the enemy's lies and attacks.
"Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Ephesians 6:11
I'm still struggling with feelings of disappointment on some level but I have also found the courage to bring these feelings to the Lord in prayer.
"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." 2 Thessalonians 3:3
I believe that the enemy did not want me to share this message because in a sense it set me free. Being honest with myself and with God, allowed Him to deliver me. I was experiencing shame and guilt for feeling disappointment when everyone around me was telling me how blessed I was and praising Him for opening doors and providing my family with opportunity and provision. That shame was keeping me from the Lord.
"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Psalm 103:8
I do not believe that the Lord is angered by my disappointment. I do believe that He wants me to bring those feelings to Him. He wants to use this season to teach me more about Him and how He operates. He is my Heavenly Father and He understands me and my feelings more than I do. My disappointment is not a surprise to God. He was waiting with open arms for me to bring it to Him and lay it at His feet.
As I said, I'm still struggling with some feelings of disappointment, but the Lord is working in my heart and encouraging me to return to what I know to be true so I'm spending time reading His word and focusing on His promises. I've also been talking with Him openly and honestly in fellowship. This has allowed Him to fill my spirit with hope and peace.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
Those feelings of shame and guilt were not from the Lord. I believe the enemy uses those emotions as a way to keep us from our Father. The Lord invites us all to bring our joy, our sadness, our confusion, our anger, our frustration, and even our disappointment to Him. Talking openly and honestly with Him, allows us to grow in Him and experience more of who He is. Even the disappointments are an important part of our journey.
This is true for all of God's children.